A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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