Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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