i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
