shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
