He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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