I am spending my child support on dildos
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
