Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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