I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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