I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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