Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
