maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
