You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
