feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
