Swine flu. Run for my life!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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