Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
