I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
