one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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