I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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