It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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