I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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