my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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