dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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