last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just gargled with NyQuil
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
