Where is the hickey?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
