On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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