she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
