News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
