She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
