Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dicks are not precious.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
