I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
