If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
