Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
