I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
