Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
