i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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