i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
handjob tips. give me some.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
