Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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