your parents love me but you hate me
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
