you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
