No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
