I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
