shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
