I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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