so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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