I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
