im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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