"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
