Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
