I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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