dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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