four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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