@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
