Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
